Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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