Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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