Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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