the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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