Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
