Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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