my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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