Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
