I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
