Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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