It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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