Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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