New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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