If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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