That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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