he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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