she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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