You just made me feel so damn special
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
