just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
