I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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