nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
