Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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