Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
