In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
