I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
