he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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