he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize