Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
