I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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