do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
