I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
