My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
