He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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