I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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