anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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