i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
