I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
