I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
