I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
