Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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