There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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