Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
