I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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