Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
