Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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