Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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