get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
