this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my poor anus
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
