You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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