My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
