she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
