shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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