I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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