He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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