Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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