she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
