Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can't turn off my feet"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
