You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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