I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
